Mark Twain

“Look, if you’re going to feed me some shit about saving lives and protecting the innocent, you can stuff it. I don’t want to be a vampire and I don’t care what anyone says. I’ve seen enough shit in my life to not need this crap,” the kid barks at me. I raise an eyebrow and find myself a bit impressed. The first thing religious types always seem to lack is critical thinking over authority. But this might just be knee-jerk rejection from the kid. “How…how Christian are you?” I ask. I’m a bit out of touch with the whole concept of faith and I think the look the kid shot me was a final judgment on that fact. “Gosh, I didn’t know we came in sizes. I’m a Medium-sized Christian. I got picked up by a Crisis Youth Ministry after I overdosed on meth. I believe in God and that Jesus Christ has my fucking back. Is that enough for you?” he actually pulls out the crucifix and waves it in my face. “Y’know those didn’t work on me back when I was a vampire. I don’t think anything is going to start happening now, unless you’re feeling funny,” I shoot back. He turns a bit red at that and sits down in a huff. I try a different tactic. “How bad are the pangs?” I ask. He grunts and shrugs. “Is it like being hungry but no matter what you don’t feel satisfied? Do you find yourself drinking water even when you’ve had gallons of it?” That catches his attention and he eyes me for a minute. “Is that what it is? Wanting to drink blood is what’s causing it? It reminds me of when my Mom went on that Atkins Diet thing and made me eat like her. Like I’m missing something,” he says. He fidgets with his hands for a while and doesn’t add anything after that. “Listen kid, I’m going to tell you a story that someone told me when I was first infected. You ever heard of Mark Twain? Funny guy. One time, while he was out in the desert in the Middle East, him and some pals found a line of fossilized oyster shells and fish bones in a Cliffside. One guy says they must be left over from the Great Flood, since they’re in the Holy Land. Another guy says it’s because the Earth is millions of years old and this part of the Earth used to be under water. Twain looks at both of them and just says they probably had a really popular sea food restaurant there,” I say. “The point is, any of them could be right without making the other one wrong. That’s what being a vampire is like.”